Have Faith Not Fear

Swati Diwakar shares her experience with mental health over the years.

A quote that I read online stated, “We can’t direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails.” Today I am doing just that. The winds of life are tossing my little boat about and I am trying not to sink; making small adjustments to the sails will help me stay afloat and reach the shore.

My problems with mental health began in the late 60s when I was just a child. I was anxious, desperate to please, and did not have a very high opinion of myself. All this despite being an achiever – diligent in the classroom and a dynamo on the sports field. Sound familiar? It is. Very often those of us with psychological issues are outwardly successful individuals battling a storm within. One reason for putting on a brave front despite the inner turmoil is society’s intolerant attitude towards any form of weakness. Admitting any form of ineptitude results in children being bullied, teens being traumatised, adults being ostracised and seniors just ignored.

At age 10, my worries were non-issues, and I was expected to become confident as I grew older. That did not happen. I began worrying about the smallest things. Even those that were not in my control. A simple example was my obsession with punctuality. I was never late for school, but the thought would freak me out. I believe there are 2 types of people – those that learn from their problems and grow out of them; and those that allow the stormy waves of life to engulf them. I am the latter. My fears, disappointments, failures, and sorrows cause me to sink into despair. The nervous child has thus become an anxious adult. What have I done about it?

For years my condition went undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. I remember having nervous bodily tremors for days on end and felt like a spring coiled so tight that the smallest aggravation would break me and I would be crying hysterically. The thing with treating mental health problems like mine is that the one suffering from it has to take the first step towards help. Since there may not be an obvious manifestation of physical symptoms this ailment may not be taken seriously by family and friends. I had to beat my own path to find relief. And try I did! Remember the saying that you have to kiss many frogs before you find a prince? I can vouch for the truth behind that statement. I tried several therapists over the course of 10 years never finding the right fit. As an alternative, I entered into relationships that were wrong for me. I mistakenly believed that my partner would save me. It ended up being a mess and undermining my already dwindling confidence.

The counselors that I had in the past were at times impersonal and at other times very clinical. This may work for some but it didn’t for me. Today, I have chanced upon someone who is asking all the right questions, making me face the truth and teaching me to address the highs and the lows. I have always believed that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. But surprisingly I am taking tiny steps in trying to change. The therapy is doing something very important– acknowledging me as a person, warts and all.

I hear about so many young people going through the problems like mine. My advice? Kiss a lot of frogs, find the right person that makes you feel seen, and take your medicines if you have been prescribed them. Then, have faith and tackle your future, one day at a time.

Swati is a design professional, writer, and teacher who enjoys creating thoughtful art.